Day 5 - Thoughts regarding inner turmoil about your sexuality; Did you have any? Did it escalate to self-injury or suicidal thoughts?
Hahaha, did I have any turmoil? You’ve obviously never met a gay person who grew up Southern Baptist. I feel like I kinda touch on future questions in each answer, but I guess that’s the way things intertwine.
I’ve had some inkling that I was gay since 9 and known for sure since 12. For so many years, I was taught that being gay was an automatic ticket to hell. No if, ands, or buts about it. This lead to a lot of self-loathing and anger. As an adult, I always let my mom believe that all of my anger was directed at my (now) ex-step-dad for abusing me, and that was a big part of it, but I finally let her know what the root of the anger was.
I don’t think the church realizes how much real damage they are doing to children by spreading their hate. I was so angry and so sad for so long that between the ages of 12 - 16, I was hospitalized in a mental institution and attempted suicide 3 times. I thought it would be more likely for God to forgive me for ending my life than to live it and act on my “unnatural feelings.”
There’s a part of the brainwashing I experienced as a child that will never leave me. I randomly wonder if the church is right. Am I going to Hell? Is being gay a sin? But then I realize that I can’t fight how I feel. When did straight people choose to be straight? They didn’t. It’s as natural to them as being gay is to me. But, overall, I think I have matured and stabilized. I’ve accepted the fact that not everyone is going to accept me. That’s not ok, but that’s the way it is and I can only do so much to change hearts and minds.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
LGBTQ 30 Day Challenge: Day 4
Day 4:The first person you came out to and that story.
Ok, so maybe this will be over-sharing because I’m gonna tell the story of the 1st 3 times I came out. They were all fairly far apart and all incredibly memorable, so I figure what the hell.
The first person I came out to was my manager at the first vet clinic I worked at. This would have been the summer of ‘04, right after I graduated high school. My boss, Amy, was a lesbian. She and her girlfriend, Lara, had been together for 5 years at that point and, as far as I can remember, were the first openly gay people I had ever met. Sure, there were a couple people in high school that everyone assumed were gay (and I often knew because of connections), but that was it. Amy lived her life out and proud. She didn’t pretend to be some femme she wasn’t and talked about Lara like it was no big deal. It floored me. The mere thought that anyone else would know that I was gay made me want to vomit, let alone not caring.
Anyway, so one Saturday afternoon when the clinic was closed and we were there for caretaking, I was carrying a small dog in from one of the outdoor yards, with its sibling in tow and 125 lbs. Doberman Pinscher lunged at the door to the run it was in and the dog in my arms flipped out. My left pinky was in throbbing insanely and as I looked, my nail was split in half lengthwise. I got the dog back in its run and went to find a bandage. I put a bandage on my finger in the treatment area and turned around to see blood all over the floor. Keep in mind, this was a 5000 sq. ft. facility and I had just traipsed all the way across it. I was feeling a little flush and I noticed my neck felt weird. I reached up and I was covered in blood. My hand was hurting so badly, I didn’t realize the dog had also ripped open my neck. Not too deep, but wounds about the shoulders tend to bleed like a bitch. About that time, my manager comes rushing out of the kennel, having seen all the blood, and rushes me to the minor med.
She kept asking me if I was ok, trying to keep me talking. We got to the minor med and several co-workers were there waiting. Apparently this wound looked horrible. They later said the only reason we didn’t go to the human ER was because it was so far away. They were really freaked out. At some point, I started asking Amy questions about life and other stuff, I guess I was a bit freaked out myself. And I blurted out, “I think I’m gay.” She gave me a hug and we just talked. She told me that I would go off to college, come out, and be happy. I told her, “fat chance.” But Amy was right, as she was on so many things. I wish I could find her and tell her how much she changed my life. She impacted me more than she could possibly ever know.
Ok, the other 2 are a bit shorter and kinda funny. Now. Not at the time. But now. When I was 18, near the end of my freshman year of college at the University of Tennessee in the Spring of ‘05. At this point, I had never voiced my gayness to another soul, save Amy. And even that was an equivocation with the whole, “I think.” So, I’m sitting in my dorm room with my best friend and I couldn’t get the nerve to start the conversation. I had just found out that he was bisexual a month or so before, but that didn’t seem to make anything any easier. So, I IM’d him. He was sitting at his computer, no farther than 3 feet away. This was our conversation:
Me: “Guess what?”
Him: “What?”
Me: “Guess.”
Him: “No clue. What?”
Me: “I am.”
Him: “What?” “Like me?”
Me: “No, all the way.”
Him: “Ok.”
At that point, we began actually talking and I kinda had a freak out moment and then felt so much better. That feels like a million years ago.
The last little story is about another very close friend of mine, a straight guy, that had made jokes about me coming out for at least a couple years. This would have been the summer fo ‘06. I just couldn’t do it. Finally, one day at lunch with him and my best friend, he made the joke, I said, “Fine. I am.” Got up and walked out of the diner we were in. He chased me out into the parking lot where, yet again, I was having a minor freak out, ran up to me, and gave me the biggest hug ever. He said, “I’m sorry. And it’s ok.” And that was it. We’re still incredibly close to this day and I couldn’t love him more.
Ok, so maybe this will be over-sharing because I’m gonna tell the story of the 1st 3 times I came out. They were all fairly far apart and all incredibly memorable, so I figure what the hell.
The first person I came out to was my manager at the first vet clinic I worked at. This would have been the summer of ‘04, right after I graduated high school. My boss, Amy, was a lesbian. She and her girlfriend, Lara, had been together for 5 years at that point and, as far as I can remember, were the first openly gay people I had ever met. Sure, there were a couple people in high school that everyone assumed were gay (and I often knew because of connections), but that was it. Amy lived her life out and proud. She didn’t pretend to be some femme she wasn’t and talked about Lara like it was no big deal. It floored me. The mere thought that anyone else would know that I was gay made me want to vomit, let alone not caring.
Anyway, so one Saturday afternoon when the clinic was closed and we were there for caretaking, I was carrying a small dog in from one of the outdoor yards, with its sibling in tow and 125 lbs. Doberman Pinscher lunged at the door to the run it was in and the dog in my arms flipped out. My left pinky was in throbbing insanely and as I looked, my nail was split in half lengthwise. I got the dog back in its run and went to find a bandage. I put a bandage on my finger in the treatment area and turned around to see blood all over the floor. Keep in mind, this was a 5000 sq. ft. facility and I had just traipsed all the way across it. I was feeling a little flush and I noticed my neck felt weird. I reached up and I was covered in blood. My hand was hurting so badly, I didn’t realize the dog had also ripped open my neck. Not too deep, but wounds about the shoulders tend to bleed like a bitch. About that time, my manager comes rushing out of the kennel, having seen all the blood, and rushes me to the minor med.
She kept asking me if I was ok, trying to keep me talking. We got to the minor med and several co-workers were there waiting. Apparently this wound looked horrible. They later said the only reason we didn’t go to the human ER was because it was so far away. They were really freaked out. At some point, I started asking Amy questions about life and other stuff, I guess I was a bit freaked out myself. And I blurted out, “I think I’m gay.” She gave me a hug and we just talked. She told me that I would go off to college, come out, and be happy. I told her, “fat chance.” But Amy was right, as she was on so many things. I wish I could find her and tell her how much she changed my life. She impacted me more than she could possibly ever know.
Ok, the other 2 are a bit shorter and kinda funny. Now. Not at the time. But now. When I was 18, near the end of my freshman year of college at the University of Tennessee in the Spring of ‘05. At this point, I had never voiced my gayness to another soul, save Amy. And even that was an equivocation with the whole, “I think.” So, I’m sitting in my dorm room with my best friend and I couldn’t get the nerve to start the conversation. I had just found out that he was bisexual a month or so before, but that didn’t seem to make anything any easier. So, I IM’d him. He was sitting at his computer, no farther than 3 feet away. This was our conversation:
Me: “Guess what?”
Him: “What?”
Me: “Guess.”
Him: “No clue. What?”
Me: “I am.”
Him: “What?” “Like me?”
Me: “No, all the way.”
Him: “Ok.”
At that point, we began actually talking and I kinda had a freak out moment and then felt so much better. That feels like a million years ago.
The last little story is about another very close friend of mine, a straight guy, that had made jokes about me coming out for at least a couple years. This would have been the summer fo ‘06. I just couldn’t do it. Finally, one day at lunch with him and my best friend, he made the joke, I said, “Fine. I am.” Got up and walked out of the diner we were in. He chased me out into the parking lot where, yet again, I was having a minor freak out, ran up to me, and gave me the biggest hug ever. He said, “I’m sorry. And it’s ok.” And that was it. We’re still incredibly close to this day and I couldn’t love him more.
Monday, June 13, 2011
LGBTQ 30 Day Challenge: Day 3
Day 3 - How old were you when you knew? What was that like for you?
I became sexually aware, in general, at a very young age. I was “sexually explorative” by age 8. No one ever explained anything of a sexual manner to me, I just knew. My one confusion was how men and women “fit together” and where things went. I couldn’t tell you what triggered these thoughts at such a young age, but it was definitely a subject I commonly pondered pondered. At age 9, I remember wondering what would happen if 2 men loved each other and wanted to have sex. I knew that was “wrong,” but I remember that night clearly. I think that was the last time that a woman every entered my mind sexually.
By age 12, I knew I was gay. At 13, I remember asking my mom what she would do, hypothetically of course, if she a child that was gay. She told me that, depending on how old the child was, she would tell the child that they needed to leave and not come back. I’ve never forgotten that day. And growing up in a Southern Baptist household, only added to the terror I felt. It so terrified me that between the ages of 12 -16, I had been committed to a mental institution and attempted suicide 3 times. I figured that if I killed myself, God would forgive me because at least I hadn’t acted on being a faggot. After the 3rd suicide attempt, I came to the conclusion that I was so beyond help and so fucked up that I couldn’t even commit suicide correctly.
I was 18 before I ever told another soul and at 25, I’m still only 90% out. Although there’s been a lot of growth and healing, I can’t help but wonder if I won’t always have thees heavy scars.
I became sexually aware, in general, at a very young age. I was “sexually explorative” by age 8. No one ever explained anything of a sexual manner to me, I just knew. My one confusion was how men and women “fit together” and where things went. I couldn’t tell you what triggered these thoughts at such a young age, but it was definitely a subject I commonly pondered pondered. At age 9, I remember wondering what would happen if 2 men loved each other and wanted to have sex. I knew that was “wrong,” but I remember that night clearly. I think that was the last time that a woman every entered my mind sexually.
By age 12, I knew I was gay. At 13, I remember asking my mom what she would do, hypothetically of course, if she a child that was gay. She told me that, depending on how old the child was, she would tell the child that they needed to leave and not come back. I’ve never forgotten that day. And growing up in a Southern Baptist household, only added to the terror I felt. It so terrified me that between the ages of 12 -16, I had been committed to a mental institution and attempted suicide 3 times. I figured that if I killed myself, God would forgive me because at least I hadn’t acted on being a faggot. After the 3rd suicide attempt, I came to the conclusion that I was so beyond help and so fucked up that I couldn’t even commit suicide correctly.
I was 18 before I ever told another soul and at 25, I’m still only 90% out. Although there’s been a lot of growth and healing, I can’t help but wonder if I won’t always have thees heavy scars.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
LGBTQ 30 Day Challenge: Day 2
Day 2: Did you have any experiences as a child that might have foreshadowed your sexuality?
I’m not quite sure how to answer this question. Did something happen to me that made me gay? I don’t think so. But there were things that I did when I was little that should have been red rainbow flags. I always liked to play with “girl” toys. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my G.I. Joe’s, Batman, the X-Men, and blowing stuff up, but I always wanted a couple Barbies so that they could get married and have families. I had a bunch of Cabbage Patch Dolls and always wanted more. I liked to play school and wanted an Asian boy & girl, black boy & girl, Hispanic boy & girl, blond boy & girl, redheaded boy & girl, and a brunette boy & girl. What can I say? I grew up in Memphis. :)
And in retrospect, I had crushes on guys as a kid. I remember in the 2nd grade really really really wanting to be good friends with Brandon Hodges. I also remember an older kid named Daniel Booker that I always wanted to hang out with me. He had his ear pierced and I always thought that was the coolest thing. Ahh, the 90’s.
All that said, while I’m not the most masculine of men, I’m not feminine either. I guess I’m kinda middle of the road. I can hang with the guys or chat with the girls. It really makes no difference to me. I like to build and fix things, but like fashion as well, even though I adhere to my own sense of style. I think there were a lot of internal markers, but most of the external were chocked up to the fact that I was raised around almost exclusively women and had mostly female cousins. I’ve known I was gay since I was ~12 years old, but I think I fall into a nice niche where the people who don’t care pick it up almost immediately and the people that do, don’t ever seem to notice.
I’m not quite sure how to answer this question. Did something happen to me that made me gay? I don’t think so. But there were things that I did when I was little that should have been red rainbow flags. I always liked to play with “girl” toys. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my G.I. Joe’s, Batman, the X-Men, and blowing stuff up, but I always wanted a couple Barbies so that they could get married and have families. I had a bunch of Cabbage Patch Dolls and always wanted more. I liked to play school and wanted an Asian boy & girl, black boy & girl, Hispanic boy & girl, blond boy & girl, redheaded boy & girl, and a brunette boy & girl. What can I say? I grew up in Memphis. :)
And in retrospect, I had crushes on guys as a kid. I remember in the 2nd grade really really really wanting to be good friends with Brandon Hodges. I also remember an older kid named Daniel Booker that I always wanted to hang out with me. He had his ear pierced and I always thought that was the coolest thing. Ahh, the 90’s.
All that said, while I’m not the most masculine of men, I’m not feminine either. I guess I’m kinda middle of the road. I can hang with the guys or chat with the girls. It really makes no difference to me. I like to build and fix things, but like fashion as well, even though I adhere to my own sense of style. I think there were a lot of internal markers, but most of the external were chocked up to the fact that I was raised around almost exclusively women and had mostly female cousins. I’ve known I was gay since I was ~12 years old, but I think I fall into a nice niche where the people who don’t care pick it up almost immediately and the people that do, don’t ever seem to notice.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
LGBTQ 30 Day Challenge: Day 1
Day 1: Your sexual orientation or gender identity. Be creative in your definition.
As I always say when asked, I’m a ‘mo. I just like the way that sounds. It’s so non-confrontational, it just flows. I’m a man and I’m happy with that, I just happen to like other men. And I like men, not boys, both physically and mentally. Someone fun and goofy, but mature and able to be serious when the situation requires it. And has some direction in life.
As I always say when asked, I’m a ‘mo. I just like the way that sounds. It’s so non-confrontational, it just flows. I’m a man and I’m happy with that, I just happen to like other men. And I like men, not boys, both physically and mentally. Someone fun and goofy, but mature and able to be serious when the situation requires it. And has some direction in life.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Sister Wives
I’ve watched “Sister Wives” several times and I always have mixed emotions about the idea of polygamy. It’s not for me, I know. I’m hardwired as a monogamist. But, just like I don’t think it’s fair that the government says I can’t marry another man, I don’t think it’s air for the government to legislate how many people can get married. And in my opinion, you can’t have it both ways. If you’re for marriage equality, you should truly be for MARRIAGE EQUALITY across the board. However, to cut off any craziness that might ensue from that statement, all parties should be of legal, consenting adult age and be able to verbalize. No children, no animals. That’s just ridiculous.
Anyway, on a base level, I’m totally ok with it, assuming that all parties involved know exactly what they’re getting into. No forcing a daughter to marry into a polygamous marriage, no wives/husbands in different states that don’t know about each other, none of that. Everyone needs 100% disclosure up front. If everyone is on the same page, go for it.
But I can’t imagine being with multiple people at the same time…or, ya know, separately. I’m not in favor of open relationship for myself, but again, if everyone involved is ok with it, by all means have fun. I’m not a jealous person, but I think if I knew my significant other was with other people, that might change. I know that polygamy isn’t the same as an open relationship in that all partners know each other and usually don’t engage in sexual behaviors together. But it would still be weird for me.
I do like the idea of having multiple parental units to raise kids, though. How great would that be? It takes a village to raise a child, right? But it would have to be hard on the kids, too. If you homeschool, they’re likely to be socially awkward. Although, with that many kids, maybe not. But the Duggers are… Anyway, but if they go to school, they either have to keep it quiet or face potential torment from peers.
However you look at it, love is love, but polygamy is definitely something to seriously consider before diving in. I can’t help but wonder if even serious contemplation could truly prepare a person for that life.
Anyway, on a base level, I’m totally ok with it, assuming that all parties involved know exactly what they’re getting into. No forcing a daughter to marry into a polygamous marriage, no wives/husbands in different states that don’t know about each other, none of that. Everyone needs 100% disclosure up front. If everyone is on the same page, go for it.
But I can’t imagine being with multiple people at the same time…or, ya know, separately. I’m not in favor of open relationship for myself, but again, if everyone involved is ok with it, by all means have fun. I’m not a jealous person, but I think if I knew my significant other was with other people, that might change. I know that polygamy isn’t the same as an open relationship in that all partners know each other and usually don’t engage in sexual behaviors together. But it would still be weird for me.
I do like the idea of having multiple parental units to raise kids, though. How great would that be? It takes a village to raise a child, right? But it would have to be hard on the kids, too. If you homeschool, they’re likely to be socially awkward. Although, with that many kids, maybe not. But the Duggers are… Anyway, but if they go to school, they either have to keep it quiet or face potential torment from peers.
However you look at it, love is love, but polygamy is definitely something to seriously consider before diving in. I can’t help but wonder if even serious contemplation could truly prepare a person for that life.
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