Somewhere, Out There

I made this today for something, but it really is true.  I absolutely love the South, hence maintaining The Modern Southern Gentleman, but I really do think I may have to leave to find happiness and family...which, in turn, brings the opposite emotion...

Glee!

Glee. It's a show that has pretty much swept the nation, and for good reason: it's a good show. It's great that they've included such a variety of characters on the show and even in just 2 seasons, have really pushed the envelope on lot of socially touchy subjects, especially in the LGBT arena. They have a the obvious character of Kurt, the closeted jock archetype in Dave Karofsky, and the oft-neglected closeted lipstick lesbian in Santana, not to mention the bi-curious Brittany.

But I just absolutely can't identify with a single character on the show. I love that they introduced Kurt and that his sexuality wasn't just glossed over. Early in the 1st season, he came to the realization and was still faced with coming out. They brought that struggle to light in a show that a lot of teenagers watch. But Kurt is so absolutely flamboyant. He's a fashionisto. He likes Broadway, constantly makes obscure cultural references, and drops names of long-dead celebrities like nobody's business. I just don't see myself in that. Sure, I like some Broadway stuff, especially from the last 30 years or so. I'd even venture to say that I have a decent grasp on the fashion world, occasionally embarrassing myself by knowing the proper terms for various types of trim and styles, but I also seem to know a lot about a multitude of other random topics. But overall, I think my interests are pretty average for a guy my age. I don't wear sequins. I don't flit around. I don't dress anywhere near drag. Other than the most base of emotions, I just can't relate to him.

Then there's Dave Karofsky, the football player. I can somewhat more identify with Dave, but not really. Dave's a jock, something I've never even come remotely close to. I played baseball as a kid, but hated it by the time I was 8 and did everything I could not to be put on the field. His fear of coming out is something I can definitely relate to, though. I was 18 before I came out to my best friend of 12 years at the time (19 years now), 20 before I told anyone else, and 24 before I told my mom. I understand that insane level of fear. But that, too, is a very basic way to relate.

The addition of Blaine was really a great happy medium...and it doesn't hurt that Darren Criss has eyes that just draw you in. Being that the character of Blaine is pretty middle-of-the-road, I'd have to say that Blaine is the character I can relate to most, but he's still a tertiary character at this point. And just because I relate most, doesn't mean I really see myself.

I know it's a T.V. show and they're trying to appeal to the masses. I really do get that. And I think it's great that they're reaching out to the most vulnerable people. But just once, I would like to see a normal man, who happens to like men. All that said, I hope they keep up the good work. I'm really excited for the season finale and to see where the show goes in Season 3. Especially since there's been mention of a conservatively Christian character joining the cast. That could make for a really interesting dynamic if done well and it's nice to see inclusion from both sides of the aisle.

Oh, Mother

Mother's Day is here again and every year it passes, I realize just how lucky I am to have such an awesome mom. She's stuck with me through thick and thin, through acting out and coming out, despite her devout Southern Baptist beliefs. But I also realize how many people aren't as lucky as I am.

I was talking to Drew, my best friend's boyfriend, yesterday and all of this came into an even clearer focus. I made my mom a CD for mother's day and designed a CD jacket to go with it that contained a little bit about why I included each song and the lyrics to each song. I was excited about it and asking opinions. We started talking about how much our friend Joe's mom, Aunt Ramona, has done for us here and how in so many ways, she has become our surrogate mom. As we were talking, Drew expressed that appreciated everything Aunt Ramona did for us and that he had some pangs of jealousy and resentment when Jason, my best friend/his boyfriend, got birthday presents form his mom. Drew didn't get so much as a text from his mother on his birthday. He's tried and tried to keep the lines of communication open, but his mom just doesn't seem to care. It's so sad. And all because of his sexual orientation. It's just not acceptable. And I know he's not alone.

So, on this day we celebrate our moms, be thankful for the good ones in our lives, biological or not, here with us or watching over from above, and know that if you've known the true love of a mother, you are indeed one of the blessed.

The Winds of Change

Lately I’ve been feeling pulled in so many directions. Pulled toward graduation. Pulled home to Memphis. Pulled to the West Coast. Just pulled. But I’m not sure where to.

The more I think about the future, the more apprehensive I get. As kids, we all thought we’d end up in Memphis together. We’d all buy houses on the same street or at least in the same neighborhood, and raise our kids together. But that dream is long since dead. I’ve realized we’ll be lucky to all live in the same state.

I just don’t feel like I have a home anymore. I don’t feel at home in Knoxville; I never have. It’s definitely grown on me, and I have a few great friends, but it’s just not home. And when I go back to Memphis, I don’t feel at home there anymore either. Don’t get me wrong, I love it there and it will always be my hometown…but I feel like I’ve left a piece of my heart there, not my whole heart there. Memphis shaped me in so many ways (probably more than I’ll ever realize) and I couldn’t be more thankful for that, but I think the things that I can learn from there are few and far between anymore.

I really thought I had all this under control. I had come to terms with it. But apparently not. Ryan is seriously considering moving to Nashville once his year with the West Memphis, AR, police department is up, which is only being aided by the fact that he says his parents are wanting to move up to Sugar Tree, just ~45 minutes outside Nashville. Cassie has said for years that she wants to move to NYC, but I’m just not sure I see that ever happening for multiple reasons. She’s just so Memphis. Heather wants to escape, but I think she’ll end up in Memphis forever. She’s way too close to her family to ever leave, I think. Jason says he plans to move back home to get his Master’s and teach, even if only for a few years. He also randomly mentions working for CNN in Atlanta every so often and has for years.

But I keep feeling the call to California. I absolutely love the South. My heart is here in the culture and people, but I still feel the pull. Maybe just for grad school. I want to say that I wouldn’t even allow myself to stay permanently, but who am I to say that? I never though I’d be in Knoxville this long. And what if I met the perfect guy out there? Could I make myself leave if he wasn’t willing or able to? And the West is such a central hub for art in the US. Who’s to say I wouldn’t have beaucoup more opportunity out there? I know it’s pointless to worry about the future, but I just can’t seem to help it lately. I feel like I go through this almost every summer. And every year that I think I’ve handled it, the next year seems to sprout a whole new crop of possibilities.