Day 5 - Thoughts regarding inner turmoil about your sexuality; Did you have any? Did it escalate to self-injury or suicidal thoughts?
Hahaha, did I have any turmoil? You’ve obviously never met a gay person who grew up Southern Baptist. I feel like I kinda touch on future questions in each answer, but I guess that’s the way things intertwine.
I’ve had some inkling that I was gay since 9 and known for sure since 12. For so many years, I was taught that being gay was an automatic ticket to hell. No if, ands, or buts about it. This lead to a lot of self-loathing and anger. As an adult, I always let my mom believe that all of my anger was directed at my (now) ex-step-dad for abusing me, and that was a big part of it, but I finally let her know what the root of the anger was.
I don’t think the church realizes how much real damage they are doing to children by spreading their hate. I was so angry and so sad for so long that between the ages of 12 - 16, I was hospitalized in a mental institution and attempted suicide 3 times. I thought it would be more likely for God to forgive me for ending my life than to live it and act on my “unnatural feelings.”
There’s a part of the brainwashing I experienced as a child that will never leave me. I randomly wonder if the church is right. Am I going to Hell? Is being gay a sin? But then I realize that I can’t fight how I feel. When did straight people choose to be straight? They didn’t. It’s as natural to them as being gay is to me. But, overall, I think I have matured and stabilized. I’ve accepted the fact that not everyone is going to accept me. That’s not ok, but that’s the way it is and I can only do so much to change hearts and minds.
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